


Channel Surfing

by lost_in_dark_places



Series: The Asset, his Mission [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: And a shared shitty past, Bucky Wants To Learn How To Cook, Bucky is trying to figure shit out, But he's hiding it, Gen, Natasha Called It, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Natasha and Bucky have a weird sense of humor, So is Bucky, Steve is recovering, The Asset Learns How To Cook, The Asset is a Nagging Grandma, but they remember each other fondly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 22:13:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3545660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_in_dark_places/pseuds/lost_in_dark_places
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Channel Surfing is what you do when you don't know what's on, and that's pretty much Bucky's brain right now.  Is he the Asset?  Is he James Buchanan Barnes? Who is calling the shots here?  Hydra's conditioning?  Is it all snakes in his head?  Or is he really in control, like he told that pretty Agent in medical?</p>
<p>Natasha camps out on Steve's couch for a couple days and watches Steve while Bucky gets a handle on himself.  Steve fails at self-care and the Asset doesn't approve.</p>
<p>Follows The Train Problem</p>
            </blockquote>





	Channel Surfing

**Author's Note:**

> All standard disclaimers apply, etc.
> 
> The Asset and Natasha speak Russian. I don't outside of "Yes" and "No", for the purpose of fiction english text __in between underscores and italicized__ will stand in for actual Russian.

The Asset sleeps for twelve hours when they return (home) to Steve’s apartment. Natalia is there. Natalia has watch, she says. (He would have stayed awake if he could.)

(There are maintenance requirements.)

The Asset is awakened by hunger. The Asset hasn’t eaten since. . . .since before the field assignment. (Steve was hurt. Where is Steve? Steve status????) The Asset has sustained injury (don’t tell steve), and neglected maintenance requirements to complete the (WHERE IS STEVE?) Mission.

The Asset is in the main room of the apartment. Natalia and Steve are arguing in the kitchen.

“. . . .Doctors said. . .”

“Not Hungry.”

(Steve status?)

(Assessment: Obviously pained, in need of maintenance, pale. Focus is fully engaged. Mood: Annoyed.)

(Steve Status: in need of food and rest.)

“Liar.” The Asset says. Steve jumps. The Asset takes the plate of food from Natalia and sets it in front of Steve.

“Eat.” the Asset says. Steve looks mulish. The Asset is unaffected.

Steve begins to eat.

Natalia hands The Asset a plate of food. (can I?) (Is it?)

“Eat up, Yasha, don’t be a hypocrite.” Natalia says. She smiles without her eyes. She knows.

(There are maintenance requirements.) The Asset eats.

Steve asks, “Yasha?”

“Diminutive of Yakov,” Natalia says.

Steve looks confused.

“James in Russian,” Natalia says.

(wrong, Jacob. wrong, the Asset is not assigned a name.)

( _“Shh, Yasha.” the girl says._ )

“Why not call him James in English?”

“ __He wouldn’t understand__ ” The Asset says.

Steve looks confused.

“He says you wouldn’t understand,” Natalia says.

“Yeah, well, I don’t.” Steve says, “Why is he speaking Russian?”

“My fault, probably.” Natalia says. The Asset shakes his head violently.

“Nyet,” he says, “ __You were never at fault, Natalia.__ ” She looks pained.

“ __I meant, you are speaking Russian because I’m here__ ” Natalia says.

The Asset shrugs, “ __Russians talk back.__ ”

“Is anyone going to speak English anytime soon?” Steve asks looking between them.

“I try.” The Asset says. Something stirs. No. Maintenance Required. The Asset shrugs.

“The last thing he said, was ‘Russians talk back’” Natalia said, “Hydra treated him like furniture, he wasn’t encouraged to talk outside of mission-relevant communication.”

By not encouraged she means— _(sharp bite of electricity, throat seizes)_ —actively discouraged.

“But the Russians were different?” Steve says.

“Yes,” the Asset says.

“Hydra would lend the Asset out sometimes,” Natalia said, “The people who trained me used him as an instructor, and as a role model.”

“Role model.” Steve looks at the Asset dubiously. The Asset is offended.

“I told you, he was a ghost, the best.” Natalia said, “Everything a young assassin could aspire to be.” The Asset wasn’t supposed to have an ego to stroke, but Natalia did.

“ __You were the best of the little spiders, Natalia.__ ” She flushes prettily.

“What was that?” Steve asks.

“Offered me the best in class ribbon.” Natalia mutters. It takes a lot to fluster a spider, the Asset is surprised.

“ __We should train again, once the Maintenance Requirements are met.__ ” The Asset says. Even as he says so he notices his plate is empty. He was not aware of eating so much. He wants more. Natalia notices his distraction and refills his plate.

“What was that?” Steve asks.

“He wants to train later, after you’ve finished healing,” Natalia says.

“Steve too,” he nods to Steve’s plate which has not been emptied. Unacceptable. “Eat. Sleep. Maintenance.” he slaps the back of Steve’s head, muscle memory from another life.

“Ow. What the hell?” Steve says.

“I think he’s pissed you’re not taking care of yourself,” Natalia says.

“Can’t string three words together unless he’s speaking Russian and still he nags.” Steve mutters into his plate.

“You bring it out in people.” Natalia says dryly.

* * *

The Asset goes back to bed after his third plate and sleeps for another six hours. When he wakes up the bruises across his abdomen are almost completely gone. He feels filthy. He realizes it’s because he is filthy.

Bucky decides that what he needs is a fucking shower. He’s extremely annoyed that the Asset assumes that someone else will take care of his hygiene, and expresses that annoyance by slamming shit around while he hunts up a towel.

“Someone’s in a mood,” Natalia says from the doorway.

“Sick of my broken fucking brain,” Barnes said, “Anyone in the bathroom? I need to scrub for the next three days.”

“If they were I’d kick them out for you,” She said, “I wasn’t gonna say anything, but wow.”

“Next time say something, it wasn’t one of the tasks the Asset was supposed to handle himself.” Bucky finally finds a towel.

“Shit, Yasha, I’m sorry.” she looks stricken, like she should have known.

“It’s fine, they didn’t let you girls in on the boring shit.” he said, then “Steve?”

“Asleep, he was up a couple hours ago, I convinced him to eat something.” she said.

“Alright, good.” He pushed past her for the bathroom.

Hot showers were his favorite thing about being a free man. He couldn’t believe he let his fucking Hydra baggage keep him away.

_Hey asshole,_ He thinks, _how is this for a priority: You come home covered in blood, you take a fuckin shower. Better yet, make it a daily thing._

And then he actually felt—it wasn’t like he split off or anything, more like double vision in his head, some part of himself taking note of all the parts of the “Shower” concept, organizing them into clear steps, filing under “daily maintenance tasks”.

Bucky rushes through rinsing his hair and stumbles out of the shower. He has to sit.

Bucky knows the Asset needs orders: the Asset was not and was never supposed to be a self-starter. Hell, he was stripped of most of his normal reactions, basically any reflex that wasn’t combat related. He was a weapon, to be pointed at a target and fired.

Bucky knew he had inherited the Asset; the Asset was his weapon now. Bucky chooses the targets. Bucky could choose to attack or defend. He knew that. So a small thing like this shouldn’t feel so. . . .

_But the Asset never has control of the small things._

_But Bucky Barnes can make his own choices._

_But Bucky Barnes is the Asset._

It was one of those infinite loops.

Except it wasn’t.

Not if the Asset is taking Bucky’s orders.

The knock startles him in to a fighting stance.

“You okay in there, Yasha?” Natalia calls through the door.

“Yeah,” he says, “I just need a minute.” His heart is pounding out of his chest and his entire life has been flipped inside out, but he’s fine.

* * *

Natalia is on the couch when he finally makes it out. He’s carrying an arm-load of bed sheets that really aren’t salvageable.

“Well, that’s a sight I never expected to see.” she laughed.

“Ha. Ha, ha.” Bucky fake laughed, “That’s right, my old bed didn’t have any sheets, and it got real fucking cold.” he made it to the trash and dumped the sheets.

“Always knew you were an American, you complained about the cold too much.” Natalia said.

“Oh, thought it was my accent, my mistake.” He said.

“ __Your accent is also atrocious._”_ She agreed.

“ __Steve doesn’t like it when I speak Russian.__ ” he said, just to see if he could.

“Oh my god, it got worse!” Natalia said, and nearly laughed herself off the couch. 

“Laugh it up, Spider, you know I’m here only for your amusement.”

“You have served your purpose then!” she said, “to the freezer with you!”

“Only if there’s food in there, I’m starving.” he went to check. Natalia actually did fall off the couch this time. He was glad, she tried too hard to keep things flat, like they taught her. She deserved to have fun.

Bucky poked around at the frozen stuff, but didn’t find anything that looked like food. Food components maybe. Bucky could cook pasta and pancakes, and this really awful soup-like concoction that resulted from throwing anything food-shaped into a pot and boiling the shit out of it. Steve used to be a little better at that kind of thing, but only a little. How _had_ they survived on their own?

“There’s food in the fridge,” Natalia finally managed to gasp.

There were an ungodly amount of little white square containers in the fridge.

“What’s this?” he asked picking one at random.

“It’s Chinese food, I bought out the menu so every box is something different, you should poke around and see what you like.” He did, finding that although he didn’t have any strong aversions, he preferred the milder dishes, except for General Tsao’s chicken, which was amazing. He took the entire container of that, Steve be damned.

He put his possibly-overloaded plate in the microwave oven—another modern luxury he adored—and turned back to Natalia.

“Did you ever have a moment, when you realized—“ he paused, momentarily at a loss.

“That you not only had choices, but you could actually make them for yourself?” Natalia asked.

“Yes,” Bucky agreed, “like that only, not just for the big things, like, all of it, everything.”

“I don’t think I had it as bad as you, but yes.” Natalia said, “It’ll get overwhelming sometimes, when you realize you can’t even decide the next thing until you pick this one, and there are a ridiculous amount of almost identical options. And capitalists judge you on those fine points, so very much.” she sighs.

“Thank you, for your words of comfort,” he said, “I was really happy a moment ago.”

“Sorry to kill your buzz.” she said, but she didn’t look that sorry.

The microwave beeped.

“You know, I think I wanna learn how to cook.” he said.

“Well, that’s one decision down,” she said with a wry twist.

* * *

Learning to cook was awful. It was like Natalia said, too many options, too much stuff. Modern groceries are a maze of brightly colored demands, and the internet is full of conflicting advice on what to eat and how often, and. . . .

_Okay, to hell with this,_ he thought.

_I need an optimal diet for Steve ’n’ me, starting with simple dishes scaling difficulty to my learning curve, adjusted to Steve’s taste: go._

The Asset knew there was documentation regarding Steve’s optimal caloric intake, this was the logical place to start.

* * *

When Steve wakes up hours later he finds the Asset sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by scattered papers and hunched over a tablet computer while Natalia reads a book on the couch.

“Hey, Buck, what’s up?” he asks.

The Asset’s head snaps up.

(Steve status?)

(Assessment: still moving stiffly, accelerated healing non-optimal, likely do to insufficient intake. Focus is non-optimal: “sleepy”. Mood: Positive.)

(Steve Status: non-optimal, Positive)

The Asset begins clearing the table, Steve needs to eat.

“What’s he been up to?” Steve asks Natalia, The Asset realizes he should have answered Steve.

(Verbal response y/n?)

_(pain)_

(No)

“I love how you think I know.” Natalia says, and turns a page. The Asset goes to the fridge, indexing Steve’s past preferences he selects several boxes and makes a plate.

“You are the assassin whisperer.” Steve says.

“You could just ask him.” Natalia says.

“I already did, he doesn’t talk to me.” Steve says. Steve sounds distressed, disengage Asset?

“Remember, mission-relevant communication. Ask for a status report.” Natalia says. (Assessment: Natalia will manage the situation.) The Asset puts Steve’s plate in the microwave.

“It feels wrong talking to my friend like that. Outside of the field, I mean,” Steve says.

“Worse than talking around him like this?” Natalia says, “If the Asset is active, then he’s on assignment. He doesn’t have downtime procedures that don’t involve a freezer.”

“What about the Russian thing?” Steve asks. The Microwave beeps.

“Steve,” the Asset says; Steve starts, grants attention, “Eat.” The Asset sets out the plate. Steve frowns, sighs. Steve moves to his place at the table and starts to eat.

“Yasha told me earlier that you don’t like it when he speaks Russian, if the Asset internalized that he probably won’t anymore.” Natalia says.

“ __My accent is atrocious.__ ” The Asset mutters.

“Better than it was,” Natalia says with a smile, abandoning the couch, “Hey, I don’t get a plate?” The Asset freezes.

(Protocol?)

_(A gentleman takes care of a lady.)_

(Protocol accepted)

The Asset shrugs, and moves to the fridge, “Parameters?”

“I’m not picky,” Natalia says. The Asset calculates her recommended intake, picks boxes by remaining content, and nutritional value. The plate he makes for her is much smaller than Steve’s.

Natalia gives Steve a significant look. Steve fidgets, sighs.

“What’s your status, Bucky?” Steve asks. The Asset puts Natalia’s plate in the microwave.

(Assess status. . . . )

(. . . . )

“Personal Status: Approaching optimal functionality. Mission Status: Research: proceeding to schedule. Operations plan: in development.”

Steve gives Natalia a significant look. Natalia’s face is aggressively blank.

“I didn’t know you had an active mission.” Steve says.

(Active Missions: List by current priority)

(Protect Steve) (don’t tell steve)

(Aquire Technical Skill re: preparation of food, specifications to follow)

(Self-Maintenance, specifications to follow)

(Support Steve/Team/Steve in the field, Current Status: Standby)

“Four Missions currently active.” The Asset says, “Highest Priority: Classified, Skill Acquisition: in progress, Self-Maintenance: continuing, Field Support: on Standby.” The microwave beebs. The Asset gives Natalia her plate.

Steve seizes on the word Classified, the Asset prepares for interrogation. Natalia’s eyes dart between them (Natalia Knows).

“Skill acquisition?” she askes casually.

“Aquire Technical Skill: food preparation. Objectives: create and provide a diet plan optimized for super soldiers. Goals: increase personal efficiency by providing proper maintenance.” The Asset answers.

“That’s a good plan,” Natalia says, “My former employers didn’t encourage us to learn these things, which is why I’ve been keeping you fed with take-out.”

“The Asset was allowed to acquire necessary skills, skills deemed useful were reinforced over time,” The Asset said, “However, most maintenance tasks were assumed by handlers.”

“Maintenance tasks?” Steve asks.

“”Care and feeding’” the Asset quotes, “Those tasks necessary to keep an asset functional.” The Asset pauses, (can I?) (try) “Assessment: Steve Rogers fails at self-maintenance.”

Natalia chokes. She continues to cough.

(Assessment: laughter hinders ingestion.)

(Assessment: she is likely to recover on her own.)

Steve eyes the Asset. Steve is not amused. “How do you figure?”

“Assessment: Steve Rogers does not eat enough to meet the energy requirements of a super soldier. Ideally, an asset will have sufficient reserves for optimal healing, Steve Rogers has none. Steve Rogers refuses food when wounded, further inhibiting the healing process.” The Asset says.

“Basically, Yasha thinks you’re too skinny and you don’t eat enough,” Natalia says, having recovered. Her expression is fragilely composed.

“Damnit, Bucky, I thought we left this argument in the 40’s.” Steve sounds aggrieved.

“No one argues with the Asset,” the Asset says, “Eat.” The Asset pushes at Steve’s plate.

Steve makes an exaggerated ‘grumpy’ face, “Eat.” he says, mimicking the Asset’s tone.

And then he eats.

Natalia snickers.

* * *

The Asset finishes his research and orders supplies. The supplies are delivered and Natalia steals Steve’s credit card to pay for them. The Asset forges the signature.

“You should probably go to the store yourself in the future.” Natalia says, “It’ll be cheaper.”

“The Asset would need to acquire transportation.” The Asset says, Steve’s motorcycle would be insufficient for the volume of food necessary, and public transportation would be equally inefficient.

“Maybe not, then,” Natalia says sorting through the supplies and helping the Asset put them away, “What’s you’re first project?”

The Asset calls up the recipe on his tablet and passes it to Natalia.

“Baked Macaroni and Cheese?” Natalia says, “Really?”

“The recipe is easy to make in bulk, and near The Asset’s current skill level. The cream-based sauce is described as ‘tricky’ but—“ The Asset stops as Natalia crumbles shaking.

“Steve—Steve Rogers has turned—th-the Winter Soldier—in-into a nagging grandma!” she gasps out between peals of laughter.

“Now, hold on a minute—“ Bucky says.

“All you need is a frilly apron, Grandma.” Natalia wheezes.

* * *

Everybody agrees that it’s the best damn Mac and Cheese; Bucky feels vindicated. After everyone has had their fill, Natalia informs them that she actually has a life that doesn’t involve babysitting super soldiers, and they’ll have to get on with out her for a while. Then she leaves to do whatever she does when not babysitting super soldiers.

(Bucky is pretty sure it involves unmentionable acts in third-world countries)

(Steve honestly doesn’t want to know)

Steve doesn’t comment on the frilly apron that mysteriously appears in their apartment a few days later. Bucky throws it out immediately.

Somehow, the Asset is wearing it the next time Steve catches him cooking. Steve decides not to ask.

**Author's Note:**

> The Asset pulls the apron out of the trash and examines it.
> 
> (Assessment: Natalia's ironic present is ironic.)  
> (and yet)  
> (The Asset must be properly equipped for his missions.)  
> (ReAssessment: Natalia was kind enough to make sure he is properly equipped for his new Mission.)
> 
> The Asset cleans and prepares his new equipment. He wears it whenever he cooks.
> 
> Bucky tries throwing the damned thing away again, but Natasha keeps buying new ones and subtly reinforcing this programing glitch.
> 
> Steve has no idea what's going on, except this may be the arcane mating ritual of ex-somethingsomethingassassins.  
> ______________________
> 
> And yes, the above does mean that Bucky was wearing a frilly apron all through the latter part of "The Asset, The Mission".  
> Until such I time as I edit the scene that's canon.  
> I may never edit the scene.


End file.
